The 10 Best Places to Have Sex at Work

Well yeah you COULD have sex discreetly in a hotel room or in your house…

Or you could be all ghetto-fabulous like all the cool guys on Craigslist and have sex in your car.

But let’s be honest. One of the best perks about dating a co-worker is actually getting the rare opportunity to have sex AT WORK. In the building, on the property. Naughty!

It’s wrong, it’s inappropriate and it’s highly unprofessional. But damn, it’s one HOT fantasy that almost everyone you know has tried at some point in their lives.

This is something you want to add to your sexual bucket list because:

  1. You might literally never get this chance again. Sex in the office is always possible but not always common.
  2. You know you want to confess it at a “Never have I ever…” party with your friends.
  3. Sometimes, sex inside the workplace is the ONLY discreet option because of various home-privacy issues you don’t want to admit. Yada yada…

So let’s fast-forward past all the “Are you sure you want to do this?” lecture and get right to the logistics of planning an office affair. We’re speaking, of course, of the successful office affair, the kind where you DON’T get caught by your boss, don’t get fired, or don’t have to spend a week in HR attending seminars.

In the interest of making our lives a little easier, let’s talk about the top 10 safe places at work that you might actually get away with an office rendezvous.

  1. Bathroom Breaks

There’s one obvious advantage here. No security cameras installed in the bathroom and thank god for that. So if you can guarantee that no one is going to come in a certain hour or if you can lock the unisex bathroom from the inside (and keep your voices down) this might be one of the safest options.

  1. Elevator Action

Warning: elevator sex cannot be a very long encounter. You have to finish quickly, meaning if you or your boyfriend have Barry White-esque staying power, you’re going to get caught. This is better for a casual groping or makeout break rather than a full lovemaking session – unless of course your boyfriend can finish in less than 30-60 seconds and let’s not brag publicly about that!

  1. Printing Room Escapades

What good is the printing room, anyway? It’s low-trafficked, dull, hardly ever occupied…

Oh wait, that means it’s a great place to get it on, right?

Maybe…this will depend on whether you have a key to the room, if it’s a locked room, and if you can get a reasonable degree of privacy at certain times of the day or night. The cool thing is you can actually have sex in a number of positions, on the floor, against the cabinet, or even slamming against the copy machine. Just make sure the machine is not actually making any Xeroxed copies of anyone’s butt.

  1. A Present Under Your Desk

While it sounds wild, it might actually be a safe strategy – provided that other co-workers rarely come into your office and you have a full desk that cannot be seen from the other side. This means your boyfriend could sneak under your desk, assume a kneeling position, and give lip service. (Or vice versa)

You could even get away with this one if…

  1. If you have a see-through window (since they can see only the top half of you)
  2. Someone unexpectedly comes into the office (as long as you can act your way through some really good head)
  3. You have long, tedious hours making phone calls (and a room where you’re rarely bothered)
  1. Parking Lot Party

If you’re both working late night and are too chicken to try having sex on your desk (especially with all those surveillance cameras) then consider taking the affair to the parking lot. If it’s a moderately sized business, it’s unlikely there are security cameras in the parking lot. Even if it’s a huge parking center, there are usually some hidden spots behind cars and vans that you could sneak over to for some afterhours fun.

  1. Smokin’ Smoking Break

You know that spot where the boss lets everyone out to have a smoke? Well that’s not the only thing you can burn for fifteen minutes. Arrange to take a smoke break at the same time and have sex against the wall outside. The biggest risk is being caught by another co-worker who wants to smoke so maybe if you have a BFF in the office you can ask her to stand guard…

  1. Eating out in the Lunch Room

This is not the best idea during breakfast or lunch hours, unless you both happen to work at Playboy Mansion or something…Yeah I didn’t think so.

However, the lunchroom might actually be the emptiest room in the building during evening hours or late into the night.

  1. Creeping in the Closet

The maintenance room, aka the utility closet, is one of the best places to avoid getting caught. No one but the janitor uses this room and he usually avoids it during business hours. That means you can have a quickie and probably not get caught.

Disadvantage? Not exactly comfortable. Tight squeeze, bumping into unsexy things, a little awkward and lots of dust. But if it’s a last resort, it’ll serve its purpose.

  1. Have Sex Like a Boss

What if you ARE the boss and don’t have to answer to anyone except corporate? Or what if the boss fancies you and can guarantee a low-key affair anywhere you want in the building afterhours?

In that case, you simply must try sex on the boardroom table. You’ll never be able to keep a straight face in a boardroom meeting again, but it’ll be a memory to hold onto forever.

If that won’t fly, then make plans to have sex in your office (or his) but with you straddling him on an office chair. It’s actually much more “ergonomic” than having sex on your desk, given the intimate position and ideal positioning for long kisses and extended foreplay.

But who are we kidding? If you can arrange to have an office all to yourself, you simply must try the Sex-on-a-Desk fantasy. True, it’s not the most comfortable position, but it’s THE forbidden fantasy that most people imagine whenever they hear you got laid on the job, at the job, and without losing your job.

  1. Your Last Resort: Sexting!

Are there security cameras everywhere? Has your boss anticipated all the hotspot areas in the building you two might soil with your uninhibited passion? Are there security guards everywhere you turn? Drats, your boss is a smart one!

But don’t lose hope. You can still send red hot sexting messages to each other throughout the day and then take a bathroom break to separately, discreetly, scratch that itch. Be sure to text your partner afterward, letting him know just how amazing he was in the fantasy!

  1. BONUS: Fitting Room

This only applies if you’re both working at a mall, retail store or thrift store. But if you are, you hit the jackpot! No sane business owner is going to install security cameras in a dressing room. As long as you monitor the employees to make sure they’re not watching you, you can get away with bloody murder in those hidden rooms. Just keep things, quick, quiet and discreet – as you both leave one at a time with a very serious look on your face.

I know, I know, it’s all a very risky conversation to have. Honestly, if by some chance you’re caught red-handed the ramifications can be explosive.

But that’s the point, my friends. You NEVER get caught. You don’t try it unless you have at least 90% predictable success rate of completely avoiding detection. You don’t have to risk your job if it’s a sure thing…

How do you make it a sure thing? Why of course, you adhere to the rules of discreetly dating a co-worker and you avoid making the most common mistakes that get people into trouble. Check out those articles for some tips on keeping things private.

I have full confidence in your ability to be sexy at work. Hey, leave a comment and let me know if you’ve marked this one off your purity list.

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